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When M I L F Isn’t What You Think It Is

In Adam Magazine, the Special Swinger’s Issue (Volume 26, Number 9, September 1982), a photo story entitled The Mother-In-Law.

If you need a little plot help to go with the two of the four pages of photos I’ll be sharing, here you go:

“The night of our first wedding anniversary we managed to slip away from the surprise party my mother-in-law had planned. We had different plans for celebrating our hot nuptual bliss.”

And yes, the quotes are printed like that; you know, so we feel like this guy (I call him “Joe”) is telling us a story.

“We slipped into some very comfortable positions in the bedroom where my mother-in-law flashed in on our action. The unexpected makes the best pictures and the best sex.”

Yeah, Joe is short on storytelling ability.

Anyway, before I get to the more serious issues (my selection of which may surprise you), let me just say that if your mother-in-law walks in on you and your spouse having sex — with a camera, yet — and neither of you are surprised, then I’m guessing it was pretty difficult, or at least less-than satisfying, to throw the two of you a surprise anniversary party. Or any kind of surprise anything, really.

I mean talk about boundary issues.

Now, because I didn’t scan all four of the pages, you can’t see that when the horny anniversary couple started stripping their clothes off, they left the bedroom door open. I’m convinced that it’s because this married couple is living at mom’s house, but treating her like she’s nothing; she’s like air, everywhere but ignorable.  They’re just a pair of swinging hippies, mooching off mom’s financial teat, but pretending they live alone.  Kind of like teenagers… So Mom might just open any shut door anyway because she probably has to do everything for them. Like wash their bedding, remove sexual fluids from the furniture, the floor…

And I’m not just making that all up in my head. The pictures tell me so.

I mean there she is, lounging in the doorway, smoking her cig, watching. Wearing a muumuu, no less. And to her daughter’s surprise anniversary party yet!

…Well, we all know how unflappable these kids are; why get dressed up.

But the look on her face is more that of, “I’m gonna have to wash those sheets again,” than, “Oh, Gawd I want in on that!”

It’s like she’s seen this every day; thrice on Sunday.

Which is why a special occasion is the only reason a camera would be about — and with film in it. (Remember when cameras needed film?)

Anyway, I know that this is all sexual fantasy and that’s why there’s none of the shock, horror, or even a momentary pause to digest, let alone resist.

For some reason, (some) dudes want to do more than say F-You to their mother in laws. It’s the original MILF, really, because everyone was fucking a mom — their wife.  Big whoop. So it was Mother In Law Fuck not Mom I’d Like to Fuck.  Also, as far as the publication sits, this is a taboo they can get behind.  Because this is a male focused fantasy, screwing the mother-in-law’s not really incest. He’s only related by marriage; it’s best just to ignore how mother and daughter would feel.

Whatever.

And I get that this photo series was probably shot before they figured out Joe’s fantasy, i.e. the story concept. It could have been the landlady, the cleaning lady, his mom’s friend — if not his actual mom. The less text in the story to get in the way of the reader’s fantasy, the better.

So this story is about any older woman fantasy, really.  And that’s where we get to the real meat of this photo-story-fantasy.

This 1982 fantasy photo story was told decades before “the cougar” existed in popular sex lore; back when GILF was just a misspelling of “golf.” That’s why the mother in law has to be more than “older”; she’s just plain ” old.”  But it’s not the only reason the mother in law looks so old.

This woman playing the mother in law may be biologically old enough to have given birth to either (or both) of the models posing as her family, or she may not have been. It’s difficult to guess her age, especially with so few clear photos of her face. But I’m guessing she’s not that much older than the couple… Her skin-tone belies that hair — what I believe to be a grey wig.

But even if it was her natural hair, sans color and set with those foam-clip rollers at night, it’s difficult to imagine today’s 40-something woman looking so old and tired…

Grey hair, muumuu, and silver horn-rimmed glasses. (And what appears to be light blue bikini panties — over her pantyhose? Oh, porn fashion is always a scream.) They are trying so hard to make her the mother-in-law of the 1960’s right then, in 1982.

As a forty-something woman, I’m not sure if…

* I should be appalled that that’s what men think a woman my age looks like

* I should be thankful that we aren’t aging just as we used to

* I should take the photo-shoot to be the results of editors trying to meet the needs of their varied demographic (both younger and older men whose visions of “mother in law” would be decades apart); simply the models and wardrobe they had available that day; a limited ability to pay attention to details; or some combination of such publication factors.

It’s rough being an anthropologist of smut, sorting through what’s left and trying to piece together our culture.

But someone has to do it. Or will do it. Because you know, as we get closer to 2012, we’ll have to decide what things we should try to preserve for those of us who survive — or what shall remain for anyone who might come after us. And I’m pretty sure porn will be part of it.

Like any good anthropologist, I’ll have to separate my own notions. In this case, I have to consider the fact that, no matter what I think of the fantasy itself or the woman’s appearance, at least “Joe” was willing to add the older woman to his threesome and have “the best sex.”

Posted in Age, Collecting, Ephemera, Essays, Euphemisms, Magazines.

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  1. When MILF Stands For Mother In Law Fucking | Sex~Kitten.net linked to this post on July 22, 2013

    [...] sure look a lot different today than they did 1982, though. Even if the fantasy remains the [...]



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