What I am about to discuss is a rare look into the personal life of Silent Porn Star. I do not offer it as a gratuitous glimpse of myself, but rather to illustrate the complexity of arousal and the uniqueness of celebrity status.I have a personal fetish for a man simply because he looks a lot like one of my former lovers. This lover is now deceased. He died of a brain tumor nearly a dozen years ago. Our stormy relationship, messy separation and short-lived reunion at the time of his diagnosis (further confusing because of his choices in how to spend his time before he died) has always played tricks with my mind. Perhaps our ages have something do with this -- not just his 'too young to die' status, but my own immaturity in how to deal with it.
The result is that he is not dead to me.Instead, he lingers like any long lost lover; in the echoes of my mind he is forever frozen as he was, at the age and appearance of our last interlude, yet he remains alive, wandering about, living his life without me somewhere... The proof that I so believe this is cemented in my hell-hath-no-furry-like-a-woman-scorned anger at the thought of him -- until I remember that he's actually dead. Then I pause, trying to grapple with that fact. I rarely succeed in a real acknowledgment of this. It's an old wound, and very deep; and my denial is only apparently stronger with time.
I do not dream of this man,
as some do in -- I think -- similar cases, nor think of him unprompted. However, my breath is taken away with the sight of this man -- or, more factually, the sight of this man who looks so much like him.
And it's not just that this man looks so much like him, but his voice, his humor, and even his mannerisms are so similar that I nearly cry, "Doppelgänger!"
Yet I swoon, all over again.
This celebrity who has the fated position of my fascination is Vince Vaughn, who is all over the news for the much anticipated and now released
Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show; a film which, if the trailers are to believed, has my former lover 'written all over it' in terms of humor.

When I watch Vince, I am transported into some fantasy world where my lover is alive and even available for me. I am transported to the days when his arm rested around my shoulders & our laughter rang in my ears -- and, this time, I'm able to lay his darkness to rest in the security of my love. Vince is 'him' and 'he' is Vince. All is well here in this dream. (Even when this general non-celebrity caring girl will occasionally want to kick Jennifer Aniston's ass.)

Does it make me a bad person to flock to Vince's films because I long to pretend that he is my now-dead lover? If it does, then what I do at home to the Vince Vaughn movie rentals & DVD viewing is certainly not to be forgiven. Because, yes, I take the fantasies much further than anything Vince has done on screen.
Sure, Vince is the proverbial tall, dark & handsome. And he's funny. I obviously have a weakness for all of that. I'd like to believe I'd be a fan even if he didn't resemble my former love; but there's no way to know for sure now. He does; and I do.
It doesn't hurt that Dwight Yoakam is also in the film. While I'm not really a modern country music fan, Yoakam's
Turn It On, Turn It Up, Turn Me Loose was one of songs I listened to (over & over again) during one of the many break-ups I'd had in that stormy relationship with the man who looked like Vaughn. Talk about your sentimental journey.
The fact that
Wild West is a big party boy production, with men being men (read: testosterone fest), means there will be plenty more than just eye candy and my sentiments. Heaven help me, I love men, even at their pull-my-finger worst; but witty men? :swoon: Oh, how I'd love to have been on the tour bus -- flirting with them all, including Vince. (And if he dared to spurn me, Dwight can always sing
Turn Me Loose again.)

(No, I won't discuss how Justin Long fits into all of this; I'll just note that he matters too.)
All I can say is that I hope to get to
Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show -- but if I don't, I'll be buying the DVD release and adding it to my private viewing pile for many a stay-home and, ah, 'snuggle' night with the
Wild West boys.

My point is, that 'celebrity', 'fame', and 'sex icon' status are awards not always given for tangibles which can be counted on. PR machines cannot create them; the people and personas themselves must touch us in some way. Just how they touch us is not always known. I doubt highly that somewhere in America right now there is a focus group dedicated to deciding the next leading male in film based upon his drawing power with female film watchers who've lost a lover to death. (A film, maybe; but not an actor's looks.)
The esoteric 'it' factor can't always be defined, let alone manipulated into marketing. But they still try. Even if only shoot enough would-bes at the wall and see who sticks.
I remember when as a young teen,
Tiger Beat et all tried to foist
Leif Garret upon us. Yeah, I loved
Peter Lundy And The Medicine Hat Stallion (what young girl didn't love a horsey movie?) but I didn't fall for Leif. Peter Lundy? Maybe. However my crush didn't transfer to Leif.
Even when a friend won tickets from the local radio station to attend a Leif Garret concert, the three of us stood there chanting, "Dead!" whenever the other girls yelled, "We want Leif!" (So it was, "We want Leif dead!" --because we were clever, clever teenage girls -- gone wild!)
Perhaps if Leif resembled someone I had attachment to, he would have had a better shot. But his non-threatening white boy status (what marketers continue to thrust at the girls today) just didn't mean a damn thing to me.
While the giant PR machines try to sell us our fantasies and create celebrities they can profit from, there still is no formula they can rely on. And all of this is equally true for the stars of our pornographic dreams. It's not enough to have a big attribute & a pretty face; we want something more. And what that 'something more' is will vary so greatly that it's difficult to make a marketing equation based upon it.
Who could predict that Marilyn Monroe would have more 'it' than Jayne Mansfield? Who can say why Bettie Page lives on while millions of others have not? Who would have known that
Parker Stevenson would succeed where Leif Garret failed?
Or just how & why
Vince Vaughn will make a grown woman groan.
Labels: Essays, Films, Images, Notes, Sex History