Ho Ho Ho

Santa's Lap, by Valerie Hart (1979 Sutton House Publishing Co., Inc.; Adult Classic series), is a raunchy retro story about Ed Weeder, a guy earning a living playing Santa to beat the high cost of oil. Along with exploring & perverting the childish myth of Santa, there's the male fantasy that nymphomaniacs will discover the down-on-his-luck divorced guy's special sexual talents:

He shut the door, turned on the light, and looked around. It was a reasonably comfortable room, with two large double beds in it, a small full-sized bathroom ahead to the left, and the two sinks outside, joined by a counter in front of a huge mirror. The walls were off-yellow and clean, and the beds looked fairly new so the mattresses wouldn't be lumpy.

“Okay,” Ed said to the woman as she peeled off her heavy coat and hung it in the small closet. “Why are we here?”

“For the same reason people usually go to motels nowadays,” she answered, her sweet voice very disarming.

“I beg your pardon?” he asked.

“Take off your coat,” her voice commanded. He did so, letting her hang it up, as well. Then he sat in the room's only chair while she sat on the bed.

“What's this all about?” he asked.

“Does it really matter?” she replied, answering his question with another question. “All that really matters is, I want you to take me to bed.”

“Then someone comes busting in and takes pictures which you threaten to show to...”

“To whom?” she asked. “Are you married?”

“Divorced,” he answered.

“Well then, what are you worried about? Besides, blackmail is too tacky. Believe me I didn't ask you here to extort money from you. To begin with, I need a good man. My husband is an insurance broker, and he's out day and night, trying to sell insurance. I never see him, he never takes me out, and though I live in a big house with a nice car and a maid to take care of the kids, I'm lonely.”

“That still doesn't explain why you picked me,” Ed replied.

“To begin with, you're a very handsome man. The four of us saw that when Harriet's son pulled your beard down. In fact, Harriet told him to do just that, so we'd be able to get a look at your face. “We all agreed you're quite handsome.”

“All?”

“Oh yes,” she told him. “This is more than a one-night-stand. If I find you satisfactory, I'm to report it to the other ladies, and they, one at a time, will also ask for the same service, and they'll offer the same price, fifty dollars... each!”